Even After All this Time

I want to share my story with you. It’s a bit complex, but I believe it’s a testimony for anyone who hears it to stand on. So bear with me. I’m going to unravel some deep parts of my story and how interning at the UGA Wesley Foundation became a reality for me and share with you an unveiling of God’s promises that radically changed everything.

If I were to meet face to face with myself a year ago and tell her where I am now, she wouldn’t believe me. To be honest, I believed that the desires of my heart were no longer considered by God. I felt stuck, trapped and isolated and I was not looking to be rescued because I truly believed I wouldn’t be.
 
Less than a year ago, I was sitting behind a computer in a small, quiet office in DC and was excited to start my career. I was okay with the daily 2-hour commute, going to bed early, and all the adult-life changing factors that had begun to shift my life. But as the weeks and months passed by, I could see how much damage it was actually doing to me.
 
I quickly learned my workplace was pretty toxic. Everything I did was watched as if under a microscope. I felt like messing up would mean my job position would be taken into question. The little confidence I had was completely diminished.

Do you ever feel like some seasons you go through are just full of so many losses? I felt like I had lost my self-worth and my joy and I felt incredibly stuck. It was even harder when I didn’t receive a lot of emotional support from my family. Many people thought my perspective was out of entitlement and laziness not out of concern and hurt. And to be honest, to this day, I have to remind myself of two things: I wasn’t just “overreacting” about everything and God was holding my hand through it all even if I didn’t see it.
 
I never thought coming back to Athens and interning was an option but it’s my reality and that’s still weird to think about! Before this job, I thought about interning, a lot. I went on a mission trip with Wesley and it changed everything for me. I saw God for who He was in His entirety. I wanted to learn more. Interning was at the forefront of my mind for the very first time. But God said no. And I accepted it, or at least I thought I did.

The truth was that I was hurt. I wanted it and God said no. But life kept moving and I had to move on. Little did I know what would happen. After about 7 months of working in DC, a friend of mine who interned at Wesley, starting reaching out to me. We joked around talking about how interning was so easy to say ‘yes’ to. But then I got a text from him that said: “Pray about it”. And even though I knew it’d be far from easy,  everything in me started turning. I kept wondering, “Is this even an option for me?”. But the more I talked through it, the more I realized I wanted it…and I wanted it bad.

I had many hurdles to jump over. The internship was supposed to start in a month, I was still working my job in DC, I had no living situation lined up, I had never talked to anyone on staff, I had no financial support and my parents were not on board last time I brought it up. I finally told my best friend that I was seriously considering it and we had multiple conversations about how this could all work and if God was really the one placing it on my heart. These conversations were hard because I wanted it so bad and every bone in my body ached with the thought that interning could be my new reality. It felt like I could fall to the ground in tears that God was making this an option for me.
 
For so long, I thought God didn’t consider the desires for me heart. I though His “no” was a hard and permanent answer, and that my reality was stuck behind a desk with what felt like no one on my side. I didn’t think I was worth it, that God didn’t want me to intern because I wasn’t fit to be in ministry. I can tell you today that those were deep-rooted lies that I believed and placed on myself and projected onto His “no”.

God began to move mountains for me, within 20 minutes my parent’s support turned from no to yes, which frankly left my mouth agape in astonishment that I had their support. I found a roommate within a week and found a place to live a week later. I had a conversation with Wesley staff and I got to be in my top choice ministry area. LIKE WHAT. CAN WE JUST THINK ABOUT HOW CRAZY THAT IS? And the day I said 100% yes to interning, was the day I quit my job. Then I moved a week later to Athens AND a month later I got enough support to pay my bills.

Friends, GOD IS GOOD. He is so dang good. I tell you this story to remind you that God listens and He sees you so clearly. He sees your desires and He knows your heart. He also knows what’s best for you even if you can’t see it. I would never appreciate interning as much as I do without that in-between year and God knew that. He knew how much deeper and wider I could go with Him if I waited.
 
Do you feel like you are waiting for something? Are you waiting for God to show up in the places you least think? DREAM with Him. Nothing is too big for Him.

I hope He begins to instill hope in the places where the seasons feel dry. God is better than you think. He is not a vengeful God. He cares and loves you more than you can even begin to comprehend. I believe God has more for you in this season. Let him move you, guide you and direct you to the places you fear Him most to be in. He wants all of you, your every day and when you let him, it’s crazy how much your perspective begins to change! Ask Him to move in the places you think He will not. Write them down and see how He begins to move. He wants you to speak to Him and open your whole life to Him.
 
I did, and look at where He has me now.

“For my thoughts about mercy are not like your thoughts, and my ways are different from yours. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so my ways and my thoughts are higher than yours. As the snow and rain that fall from heaven do not return until they have accomplished their purpose, soaking the earth and causing it to sprout with new life, providing seed to sow and bread to eat. So also will be the word that I speak; it does not return to me unfulfilled. My word performs my purpose and fulfills the mission I sent it out to accomplish.” - Isaiah 55:8-11 The Passion Translation (TPT)

Author | Brooklyn Holloway